Thursday, Oct. 23rd 1958, 9.10pm
Feeling mildly depressed. Probably end-of-half-term feeling. The class is a bit down-getting. One E.S.N. kid – a fat, harmless lump; the others very dim. There’s only 28 of them, and I seem to get my three free periods a week reglar [as spelt], but it’s increasingly becoming a treadmill. Seems difficult to realise I’ve done 9 years of it. I suppose I must set my teeth to another 18½ years. The trouble is, for this type of class one needs to be younger, rather than older. And – this is the last time I shall twist this particular dagger – one needs aptitude (for art or handiwork or music) and training (not “or training” – non-existent aptitudes can’t be trained into being) which I haven’t got.
I don’t know how I managed when Edith was still at work. I now lead a pampered existence – meals waiting for me, no shopping, cleaning to do. But the “leisure” hasn’t enabled me to get any kind of “work” done at all. I suppose if I’d had a commission to do I would have done it.
E. mending my trousers. Absolute silence – electric heater off to eliminate hum it makes when on, sod it – I feel a bit of a swine. The poor girl obviously needs – particularly in her condition – cheering, entertaining.
She’s a good girl. Bought a 14½ gn. nylon “simulation fur” coat – couldn’t have been more thrilled if it had been a 1,000 guinea mink. Incidentally, she clicked for close on £200 from her firm, in addition to about £125 returned superannuation contributions – jolly D of them. E. now has about £500, including £100 which I think should keep, in principle, as a “Dinmore House” [Hackney council flat, where her ?mother lived] reserve. If I had the £800 or so I had in 1951 – I can’t remember whether this included or excluded £500 which Mum gave me, being refund of my allowances to her from about 1945 – we could get a house of sorts. If I had £2,000 I could, with Edith’s £400, get a modest 3 bedroom house in Golders green decorated and furnished to the comfortable, but certainly not opulent standards of Sam & Lily’s [brother and sister-in-law] place.
Probably I shall be able to get £750 from Mum & borrow £250 – 500 from the bank and get a dingy sort of place in Muswell Hill or the drabber part of Highgate.
If one can go by size, and Edith’s family’s tendencies, I shall be a father of twins. Would have been alright 20 years ago, but at 47 I feel a bit too old for this sort of caper. (Forgive me, twins, if ever you read this; your dad does love you and wants you to be happy). (And if he may re-open the bracket, he wants you to have the will-to-work he lacks; if you have it, it should enable you to get somewhere, even with a Muswell-Hill-his-father-was-an-unsuccessful-primary-schoolteacher background.)